Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
