I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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