the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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