Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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