I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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