I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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