You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
