grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
