I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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