my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
