I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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