there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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