he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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