Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
