We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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