she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
