You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
