I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
