the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
