I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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