im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You ruined the universe
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize