hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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