if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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