I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
