I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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