this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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