dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
