I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
