Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
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