I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
