the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
