chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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