Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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