one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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