Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize