Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize