And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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