My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
