I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
