There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
