I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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