My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
