Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
