is your mom at the bar?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
