Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just invented taco cereal.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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