So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i now understand why vodka
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
