Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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