now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize