Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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