Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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