How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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