Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize