Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'd cum for enchiladas.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
