Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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