I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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