My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
