she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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